EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a vanity post. I’m going to be ranting about my fitness and body image. So, if you’re sensitive or preachy…
cause today ain’t the day for that!
So anyway, I woke up feeling insecure today, wondering, ‘what the fuck happened to you?’ I use to be the shit! And even if I wasn’t– I felt like the shit. There was a time when I had greased up fitted thighs and silky black hair! I was fine! I weighed a cool 160lbs–which by my doctor’s standards was still over-weight; but by my own, was pretty nice. I had a belly ring! My God! There was a time when I could see my belly! There was this guy once that called me ‘Chocolate Ty’ on the street. My Godddd!!!!! I loved that name!!! For no other reason than thinking that Chocolate Ty had literally become my alter ego.
She was dark, chocolate-y and had bawdddy, baby!
Now let’s be clear, I’m by no means, ‘ugly.’ In fact, at a yoga class this weekend–the instructor told me she had no idea what I meant when I asked her if ‘I was too fat for yoga.’
But somewhere in-between getting two degrees, falling in love and gettin’ this schmoney; My self-worth just dropped. The image I had of myself just flat-lined and the fuck if I know how to get that shit back.
Now I’m not one of those women that doesn’t recognize how I got here, I know. I ate my fair share of chicken boxes once I moved to Baltimore and stores were 24-7. Literally, there are magical places that have fried chicken ALL DAMN DAY! There were days when I partied and had a few ‘Blue Muthafuckers.’ A few!
Then I discovered Ben and Jerry’s. My God! Ben and fucking Jerry’s! Again, I’m from Cambridge, so know–that there is no Ben and Jerry’s! I don’t even know a Ben and Jerry–Bob and Jimmy maybe?
So my point is, I got it in! I’m clear on how I got here. But the issue is, how do I get back to a happy feeling that allows me to do something about it? I’m not happy. If we want to be 100% honest. This sucks! I’m in a sunken place! I see who I was, I see who I want to be, and the shit is just there like ‘hey girl, heyyy!’
“Workout” They say.
“Eat healthy” They said.
But are you gonna pull that Wendy’s frosty out of my hands at 3 am? Are you?
It’s gonna take some willpower. But more than that, I know it’s gonna take some effort on my part. Lots of it.
In the past, when there were things out of my reach, I knew I could pull them in closer to me. So as a kid, nothing was out of reach. If I could have a piece of that self-worth, that self-confidence, I’d fucking be a millionaire right now. That person knew what it meant to have a gift. I don’t.
Ight, enough bitching. Now my action plans.
Action One: Forgiveness
I forgive myself. I’M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry that I’ve done this to myself and drove myself in this hole that I feel solely responsible to dig out of.
Action Two: Planned Attack
Without a goal and a plan, that shit is just a hope and a dream. It’s gonna take a little more than sweetheart to become a chocolate-ty.
Action Three: Get Your Fat Ass Up!
Workout. Hangout. Meet people. There is more to this life than just sitting around eating and feeling sorry for yourself. Oh you the baddest? Get up and be it then.
Since first drafting this post, I have actually started to implement some new changes in my life. While I still have a lot of work to do on myself mentally, physically, emotionally—-that’s okay. I’m starting to realize just how much a part of the game this is. If I think back, this isn’t my first phase of “I’m so _______ (fill in the blank with fat, ugly, black, skinny)” I went through this phase in elementary school when students used to call me “road.” Get it? Because I’m so black? I went through this phase when people used to call me “bald head.” …..because, you know, my hair was sort of over processed and broken off. I went through this phase in middle school, when I was considered flat…that’s a thing to young, black and brown boys, ya know?!
And so, this is just another phase–that’ll prepared me for a big come back. As I re-read this post, I decided to myself that it needed to be shared. No matter how all over the place it may be, because damn it! This is real life! And there will be phases where you feel and look like shit. When people will try to put you down and where society will come for your fucking throat! But as I did at 7, and at 13, and again at like 14-21. I will get through this! Because deep down inside, I see who I am and who the fuck I want to be and insecure ain’t it!
My action plans will stand; It’s important for self-reflection. Becoming the woman I want to be. But in the meantime, while I do the work?